Labor Day

Got up early after resting well, with the help of Tylenol p.m. Then waited for the awful hailstorm to pass before heading out to Tooele. By the time we got there the rain had eased considerably. We found my mom now in I.C.U. Her heart had stabilized and stayed steady and strong through the night. While we visited she seemed to know that we were there. Holding my hand with her left hand a few times. Once , she wouldn't let go, when I told her I had to go take a break and let in another family member. It was tough, but I kept conversation light and cheerful. When my oldest sister came in the room, we started talking and the conversation got a little more rousing. I noticed that while we talked about anything and everything that my mother opened her eyes and perked up a lot more. I later instructed other family members to talk about anything so she would know what was going on, no matter how trivial they felt it was.

I was able to speak to the Dr. and that was hard. My personal feeling is that my mother should just go naturally without any major life saving measures. Most of the family members feel that way. We do have 2 members who feel that all measures should be exhausted. I am confused by this and trying to understand why. I hate the thought that she is trapped in her body which is failing greatly! But, since she did not have a will stating what her exact wishes would be nor does anyone have power of attorney, it has to be a joint decision. So......now we are left waiting once again. I am not God. I don't know how long she will live without a respirator or a tracheotomy or a feeding tube. I just feel like we shouldn't prolong her suffering. Maybe I am wrong! I would feel terrible if I were wrong. So we have to respect the wishes of those 2 family members even if they are outvoted. They did say that we could give it a couple of weeks, and see if she regains any of her faculties. As it stands now, she can open her eyes for a bit and move her left arm and left leg. We don't really know if that is reflex or she is doing that herself. We don't even know is she can see us when her eyes are open. We do know without a DOUBT that she knows when we are there. Some of us talked and it was mentioned that perhaps she is fighting because she is worried about us. I don't think it is fair for any of us to ask her for anything, except maybe forgiveness. I did tell her that the Priest had come on Friday and performed a ritual where her sins were forgiven. I told her "Mama, right now you don't have any sins." And she just looked at me and held my hand. I wanted to believe that it relaxed her, I did notice she clutched her rosary tighter.

Tonight , I do not feel as devastated as I did the past few days. I think I am coping well. Tatiana is also coping well, she is handling this like a little angel. I love that girl and I totally thank her for being with me every step of this journey. I will return to work tomorrow and just see what the next few days bring.

Peace

Doris