This all started Friday morning about 2, when she stopped breathing and an ambulance was called. Since then most of the family had assembled and kept a vigilant watch. She suffered a massive stroke after being ill for several months. In a previous post I mention that we almost lost her, however she fought that off, as she appears to be doing now. The stroke left her paralyzed on her right side and unable to talk, mostly unresponsive. She did squeeze our hand when we asked her a question. And from time to time her eyes would open, yet we are not entirely sure she actually saw us. I desperately want to believe she saw us or at least heard us and knew we were there. Friday evening when Tatiana and I said goodbye before driving back home, she reached out with her left hand and took Tatianas hand. She then raised my daughters hand to her lips and held it there. Surely that was a kiss! We sobbed on our way out of the hospital. I had a terrible time driving back, yet made it safe.
Saturday we again got up got ready and met family at the hospital. We all just took turns going in and spending time with her. Though one sister refused to leave her side at all. I don't know if this is petty, it just seemed like we each should have had some alone time with her to say the things we wanted to say without anyone else around to inhibit our words. However, that did not happen, so I just have to believe that she knew how we felt. It has only been recently that I myself have come back into her life. We had forgiven each other and talked regularly. She was always interested in Tatiana and how she was doing. So, I'm not even sure that I had anything else to say, she knew I had forgiven all the old stuff. She had done the same for me many months ago.
My brother Albert arrived from Colorado just after 4 and was at the hospital about an hour later. Shortly after he spoke to her, her heart started failing. So, when I got the first call, I thought that she had waited for him to come! He was her first son, and growing up they were so close. So maybe I am just trying to make sense.
I feel empty. I feel numb. I cry but my tears feel dry. I think I am more worried about certain other family members who might cope with this in an entirely different way than I would. I know that I will be strong and go on. I will work and bring home a paycheck and pay the rent and eat and yada yada yada. I'm not so sure about some of the others. I have a daughter of my own to think about.
This is terrible. I just found out that there is a DNR (do not resuscitate) order in place. I know that this is, has to be the best thing. Her body is broken. Worn out. Tired. She raised 10 healthy children and her husband left several years ago. He is waiting. He has to be.
I just spoke to my sister. She said we should just sleep and get up early and see what the day brings. I don't know if I can sleep. Last night I had a terrible time. I had my bedroom window open and everytime the wind would slap the blinds I would see my mom's eyes fly open. I finally got up and closed the window , but slept quite wretched. Probably the reason for the migraine.
I want to race down to the hospital in Tooele. But the weather is terrible. My mother wouldn't want us to drive in it. I know that. I remember how crazy she got when we refused to stay the night and drove home anyway. Oh those were the days. I have lot's of memories. She worried about each an everyone of us. That had to be a crazy amount of stress.
Tonight the T.V. is on and the Sound Of Music is on. I just sat watching, not really seeing. Then I smiled at Tati and said, "She loved music!" then the tears came again.
Well, I am certainly rambling now. I guess this is sort of a catharsis. I will try to rest now and see what tomorrow brings. Death, Rebirth , Hope, New Beginnings..........
And lot's of memories.
Goodnight
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